Progress Card?

Loose ends everywhere……

One serious look around and I see loose, unsorted, unmanageable ends everywhere……

Current project at work – Total mayhem.

Other Official task list –Unfinished.

Professional enhancement(s) list – Forgotten of.

Personal tangible action list – Gone for a toss.

Personal intangible action list – Gone for a double toss.

Familial bonding list – Randomly acknowledged.

Friends list – Diminishing? Not sure.

Acquaintances list – Growing uselessly.

I-am-in-their-bad-books list – Spiraling exponentially,methinks.A new development, though.

They-are-in-my-bad-books list –So badly want to develop this one .But damn! Nobody ever makes it till here.

Hobbies/Interests list – Ever so subtly, one is reminded of these.

Like/Dislike list –Mostly being controlled by extraneous factors.

Lifeskills/Zenhood list –Someone Up There does not want this one to be exhausted ever!!The bar keeps on being raised.

Wonder if this is how it is for most around me? More often than not, people do come across as cribbing on one or the other of these unmanageable, unsorted, loose ends..But all of them at one time? Sounds like trouble brewing in the background!

Growing up …in a small town…

You know you live in a small town. You know there exists a big world outside your small town and the temptations of the bigger fancier city tug incessantly at your innocent mind .You are keen to make it to that world and you try all in your might to reach there.

 But as you go about life, you do live up in a big,big way and make the best of your years in your pretty little haven.

And here are some trifle but memorable joys or bumps that unfurl as you grow up and that shape up your personality in a way nothing else can ....

1. You have ten uncles and twenty aunts staying in the neighborhood  You can park yourself in one in every twenty houses in the city, if need be. Flip side, you can never keep a secret from anyone, no matter how innovatively you try to. One of those uncles or aunts or “not-so-friendly” cousins / neighborhood urchins is bound to tell on you.

What this does to you in long term is make you more accountable and responsible , if only for fear of being caught !

2. If somebody asks you for directions to a place, you give it by the names of them famous people the whole town knows and put all the maps and GPSes to shame. For example, you say “Go a little ahead and the house next to XYZ’s house is what you are looking for “and not “Take first left and second right and you will reach your destination.“

You learn to be handy and helpful to others and have and provide alternatives in life for everything, if you miss the main bus!

3. You and your elder siblings go to the same school/college? Have fun, baby .You get hauled up every time you do not win the sports trophy like your sister does and also, every time your brother cooks up an interesting science project. It’s a totally different and unnoticeable thing that you excel in your academics and your co-curricular activities…you share common teachers and comparisons abound .

While it does seem to harm your childish self esteem, what it really does is prepare you to stand on your own amongst the crowd and create your own mark.

4. You like your brother’s friend. Kill -Joy! Your brother likes your friend’s sister!! Be nice to your brother if you want to live your life. In essence, let him live his life and he will not make yours hell-

Sibling bonding is a great thing –you realise later in life. 

5. Want to throw your parents a surprise party on their wedding anniversary? Need money from the savings account that you wrangled for yourself after cajoling and convincing your parents that you do not plan to elope with your existent or non-existent boyfriend using all that money? Well, think again .News travels faster than lightning in these parts and your dad gets a phone call from the bank manager even before you land your feet in the house!

Well, your parents always had a point in trying to discipline you , keep you under check and you later learn they were mostly right.

6. Driving around is easy.DL is not an issue. You can achieve so much more with that mobility in a day than you could in a week in a big city – early morning tuitions, afternoon college, late afternoon computer classes, evening out with friends, late night coffee in a lassi shop( What? small cities do not have coffee shops!!), a movie or bit of shopping in between and a lot of errands that you would have run for your mom ,spanning the entire length and breadth of the city - all in a day’s time .

What is it that big city morons keep complaining about “Parking woes “and “Traffic jams”? They happen on Jupiter, not on Mother Earth!

You realise that life is fast when you think fast and act fast .There is so much you can accomplish if you only let your body and mind be mobile and active. You also learn that the more you do , the more you miraculously get time and energy to do!

7. Oversped? Skipped the red light? So what? Your dad or your friend’s dad or atleast someone’s dad is a friend of the DC. If not DC, then atleast the SP .If not SP, then atleast the traffic police uncle?Ok, not really needed as you can easily wriggle your way out by pleading with the constable bhaiya to pardon you this time as you are just a wimpy kid with no pocket money to pay challans or fill in their pockets. You will behave well next time, you swear by God and by your dad’s influence!

On similar lines…missed the college admission deadline? Need some rules to be tweaked to accommodate your preferences? Well, it’s not always easy but then what use is that neighbourhood college principal for if not help you get a back door entry or a preferential treatment!

Above definitely make you thank your stars for your resources and also teach you how to create

your support system once you are out on your own.Resourcefulness is a lifeskill and you realise it early enough in life.

8. Your cousins from that big city nearby wear the trendiest of the clothes .You and your friends feel they dress quite funnily for your taste. The truth is that you are actually struggling to find decent styles for yourself in your small town fish-market.

But what are you, if not creative? Your cousins envy you because you paint your own Ts, tear your own denims and design your own dresses! Your small town does not offer the brands but who says you cannot buy label stickers and flash them on your own brand of clothes!

Again, you learn to innovate and create things efficiently and economically ( within the budgets of your pocket money!).You stay in vogue despite the odds and this shows for your resilience and determination!

9. A friend’s birthday and the gang wants to celebrate, sing, dance and hog on food. But your Neanderthal town’s cultural scene does not offer any discs and pubs. You either do not party – which is not your choice-Or you create your own party place – which is what you do. Fused lights & bulbs, assembled music systems, someone’s terrace, someone’s mom’s delicious cooking – all yours to jam with. Party the night on someone’s rooftop, as some silly singer said!

You are grown up and you think you can buy yourself some adult stuff (read: liquor and cigarettes) for the party above? Well, no luck there. You may be old enough but none of the store owners believe so .Even if they did, they would still tell your folks at home. So you happily stick to the fizzy colas and the finger foods!

Friends are for life and you retain the ones who were partners in crime when you started out in life! You also learn that you can go as far as you allow yourself to and that there is no such thing called as lack of resources!

  

10. Done with the partying and fooling around, if you do get serious about life and decide to make something of it, your small town does not really offer you much exposure or opportunity to realise your dreams. You think you know it all but then you stumble upon things once in a while that make you realise there is much more to the world than meets your eye. You either make peace with what is on offer and easily available or you stick to your deep rooted desires, kindle the fire and prepare yourself to go out and tackle the world stage.

Because you know you have limited opportunities and a lot at stake ( like your parents’ money and their faith), you develop a kind of seriousness of purpose and a spirit of competitiveness that arises only out of that undying desire to succeed against all odds and that helps you move forward and achieve your dreams and not rest until you have done that.

In nutshell, you learn to dream, to struggle, to achieve, to prove, to resist, to create, to innovate, to fight and last but not the least, to let the fire burn.And what you learn in this process of growing up is what stays with you throughout your life.

Help yourself …Make life easy!

Read this on a blog somewhere and cannot help but marvel at the powerful and wonderfully comforting message conveyed by these words.

We spend a lot of our time and effort in building relationships and harbouring expectations and invest equally, if not more, in bearing grudges and the weight of expectations gone wrong. While the former is a source of joy and essence of our existence, the latter sucks the life force out and makes one go through life as if it were a hellhole. However, considering what it takes to build one, it would only be commensurate to say that when a bond of love or friendship goes wrong, one goes through a plethora of emotions ranging from anger to denial to sadness and finally acceptance. And if there is one emotion that stays strongly and firmly put in mind and heart all through these phases, it is the desire to get an apology from the one who seems to have wronged you. An apology which is sincere…an apology which gives one the conviction of being right…an apology which acknowledges the hurt or the wrongdoing..and last but not the least, an apology which creates way for the hearts to be healed and bonds to be restored.

However, isn’t a sincere apology scarcest of the commodities on this earth? Not only does it require one to introspect and acknowledge that they are probably responsible for hurting someone, it also forces one to keep ego and false notions of self aside and humble down to a level where actions and words convey the sense of responsibility and need for forgiveness that one may be feeling,in a language that is understandable by the recipient.

 No wonder then, to apologise is one of the hardest things to do. But if there is anything that comes closer, it’s the ability to forgive and forget. A wronged and bruised soul finds it much easier to nurse the hurt, let it grow, wallow in anger and self pity and let the grudge settle permanently. Many times we lose out on all that someone has to offer us just because we are not able to let go of that one grudge, that one mistake that broke the trust and scathed the heart. The feeling of being wronged or victimized is so overwhelming that it impedes the process of rational thinking , comes in the way of acceptance of a person for what he or she is and not for what we want or expect  and prevents us from moving on and not letting the bad things outweigh the good ones. More often than not, it even leads to more destructive feelings of revenge and retribution as the only ways of nursing the anger and the pain broiling in the aftermath of a bad hand dealt by someone who mattered a lot at one time.

Because we lose so much when we choose to live with our grudges, an ability to forgive and forget is not something that we gift to others. It is, in fact, liberation of our own soul and a way of setting ourselves free from all that prevents us from being at peace. To forgive is always easy if there is an attempt by the perpetrator to assuage the hurt as it acts as a balm on the suffering and helps to boost one’s conviction of being wronged and therefore, deserving of another’s acknowledgement and repentance.Forgetting, however, is an altogether different thing and may or may not come by!

But considering that we stand to gain so much if we just decide to forgive and forget, why do we even need an apology to forgive? Does the fact that someone confess they hurt us really hasten up the process of forgiveness? Isn’t Forgiveness is a choice? A conscious decision..an action of our own will? To save ourselves from the bitterness of anger...to give ourselves the freedom from hurt..to let go and move on…a victory of positive over negative.. to cherish what could be than what prevents it …to create happy and peaceful  human bonds for ourselves …and last but not the least, to choose to live the way we want and not the way situations and other people force us into. This transition from expectations of an apology to a state where it no longer matters and where the heart is able to heal itself ,may not be easy to come by. However, once achieved, does it not seem to be the easiest way to live our lives through the maze of human relations, delicate expectations and myriad complex situations?Why then are we so loathe to take this path? Why there is always a lingering hope that one day someone would acknowledge and come back and tell us how they regret things went wrong?Should we not just learn to rationalise with our own heart and mind and create a wall which lets no one hurt us in a way that we keep looking for a balm?

I don't know how much sense it makes to the world in general but to me,it does feel like one of the best gift we can give to ourselves if we just learn to let go..to rid ourselves of the weight of this big expectation of an apology ...and to accept an apology even when there is none!

The piteous case of Mr.Dodo and Mr. Angrez.

This morning, after parking my car in the basement parking, I was waiting for the lift to come and there were two young men standing next to me- an Indian and a foreigner. For convenience sake, let’s call them “The Dodo “and “The Angrez” respectively. So, Mr. Dodo and Mr. Angrez were busy in their conversation and I was busy in the usual shenanigans one indulges in while waiting for the lift …pacing the floor, checking the phone, cursing the lift, staring back at the guard who always seems to be staring at you...and the likes.

Then suddenly, the lift decided to make an appearance .The Dodo was closest to the lift doors but seems he had no recognition of the fact. He kept standing there and blabbering his heart out to the Angrez who, if I put it lightly, seemed to be love smitten by the “gyaan” that was being shared by the other guy. It took me a while to grasp but grasp I did...The two were showing no signs of getting into the lift and so, I realized I need to act fast or miss the bus. Hence, I moved myself ahead of the two with an expertise that can only be paralleled by those fast-as-lightning kung fu pandas!

The moment I entered the lift, I saw the Dodo and the Angrez regain their senses and probably the reality that they were there to take the lift, dawned on them. The two made a hasty entry into the lift just before the doors were about to close and crush at least one of them to a squishy pulp. I believe the duo thought I was to be blamed for this little dent in their morning bliss. The Dodo gave me a stare that seemed to accuse me the same way as probably Rama would have accused Sita in Ramayana and caused her to pray for the ground beneath to split open and take her in …. Only, in this case, he was met with an equally accusing and nasty stare …… I guess something his little brain was not expecting! The Angrez was busy staring into his cup of coffee and probably wishing he drowns in that at that very moment.

Anyways, stares over, the Dodo got back to his gyaan. I was not really interested in listening to whatever he was saying but then when the decibel levels are loud enough for the entire universe to hear, who am I to ignore?

Seems our dude was telling the Angrez about how our PM and FM are the only two educated ministers who have got……in his own words …..”degrees in like you know economics and commerce “…and how the rest are just an illiterate bunch and that is why they are not able to understand the policies that the PM and the FM make and hence, the poor execution! And all this is obviously the reason why our country has never had a past, is struggling in its present and obviously, has no future!

All this while, the other hapless fellow was just nodding and probably wondering at how he happened to land in this country of illiterate politicians and highly enlightened and opinionated citizens!

Really, Mr. Dodo, you bowled me over with your judgement and your pronouncements on the present predicament and future of our country. Nobody would deny that you were probably right in some measure …that majority of our politicians really are an unruly, uncouth bunch who are in a very big way, responsible for a lot of wrong in our country….but to say that what you view and how you view is what the stark reality of this country is …… How presumptuous and illiterate are you in that case?

**God bless me on a morning which starts with encountering morons of first order just as I enter office! **

Random thoughts…Manic Monday … Temple Blues…

It's just another manic Monday
I wish it were Sunday
'Cause that's my funday
My I don't have to runday
It's just another manic Monday  !

Lovely song by Bangles. And how truly this particular bit from the song reflects the state of my mind on a Monday morning. At the same time, how easily listening to this peppy number on the way to office lifted my mood straight from a blue-y state to a gleeful pink-y (?!) state, at least for today.

I am one of those lucky ones who have been spared the pandemonium that ensues in the early morning rush to office as I have a cool boss (once in a while, I can say that!) who does not really give me stares for turning into office at my own time! Add to that, the luxury of being able to drive myself and not catch a cab or a train/bus to work and I have a fairly relaxed routine at home even on a weekday morning. And so used am I to this that any deviation is set to turn on my zodiacal crabby self…. And a Monday morning does exactly that.

Monday is my fasting and temple day and I really look forward to the serenity and the sense of discipline it brings in my life. The harmonious clanging of temple bells, the ritual of puja, the offering of prayers, and the control over food cravings…I thoroughly enjoy it all and it gives me the much needed celestial faith to survive in this world. However, the bit about leaving home a little early and making a stop en route office leaves me a little hassled. Sounds shallow and inconsequential, but I guess the creatures of habit and convenience that we have become, even small changes require mammoth effort by body and soul both. It is not that I dislike doing this regularly or would wish for it to go away. On the contrary, I am trying to imbibe it in my routine on a more regular basis. But just wish that it becomes bit more convenient. I have often thought of keeping a small temple at home but then thought against it as I honestly believe I will not be able to do justice to it……..I hope someone rich in my apartment society gets bitten by the spirituality bug and turns their 2/3/4 BHK apartment into a heavenly abode!

So these temple blues and food cravings (I fast, remember!) get me into the Monday blues and I think the effect remains for the rest of the day. Though I, in no sense, deprive myself of food and nutrition in my fast, I still feel not up to the mark as I am a self confessed foodie and need my regular dosage of chocolate and coffee and snacks and cookies. How I wish God had made me a fruit-loving, green-tea drinker and I could use these awesome (not) items of food and beverages to pep me up on a Monday.But no, I instead crave for that sinful chocolate and that calorie loaded banana chocolate chip cookie that I decide to deny myself on one particular day of the week.

However, I am pretty circumstantially tenacious, if not congenitally strong willed………and hope remains. Even though it is taking every nerve of control in my body to resist the urge to get up and get myself a bar of chocolate, I think I will sail through the day without giving up. Beat the Monday blues, I say !

P:S: To God : You know how I love you and swear by your name. So, I hope this cribbing about temple blues does not reach you and if it does, it does not bother you as far as my karma points are concerned!

As life happens………… Gain some, Lose some!

Life, they say, is the biggest teacher. As one grows in life, literally and metaphorically, one accumulates a vast range of experiences and if traditional wisdom is to be believed, it is these experiences that sum up an individual’s personality and mindset at any given point in time. Good or bad, every experience or stage in life comes with lessons of its own  and these lessons or leanings are the only things that seem to have some semblance of permanence around them .Life itself is, anyways, changing face every second chance it gets !

So, as they say, we learn and mature as we grow. Now while maturity of mind/heart is not something that can be defined as easily as the maturity of a fixed period investment , there are some things which are generally acceptable as standards of mature, positive grown up behaviour …an open mind, a thoughtful approach, an unbiased attitude, an acceptance of situations / people, an ability to look back and laugh at mistakes,  an appreciation for choices- own and others’, a confidence to forge ahead, a grit to not give up, a broadening of horizons,  an increasing self awareness, a decreasing self obsession,an ownership of actions, a sense of responsibility……these are just few aspects of maturity. And needless to say, life’s failures are often much better teachers than success in propelling one onto a path of a mature and learned mind. Success, no doubt, teaches us what it takes to succeed but then, its mostly failures that act as a humbling force and push us to being more grown up and balanced (?) individuals.

However, is life’s journey all about gains? Do we lose something as we make our way through our lives? A child is blessed with an untainted heart and a blank slate of mind ( if we ignore the previous  birth stories doing the rounds !).What this means is that a child’s response to things or situations is totally based on imagination, intuition,trust , instinct and not some half cooked notions of what should be done or is appropriate or worthy of the situation. There is nary a worry in a child’s mind and there is a vast ocean of possibilities awaiting…..Endless  curiosity,careless abandonment, gullible trust, merry imagination …these are some of the endearing qualities about being an “unlearned” or “unadulterated “ child that makes them totally adorable to our adult selves !

Blessed is a child’s mind and heart as to not be bothered by sometimes nasty ,sometimes complex emotions like biases, blocks, chicanery, adultery ,shame,blame,calculated actions ,careful deliberations etc ….

…All of which a growing up child or an adolescent would knowingly or unknowingly  gain or be forced to adopt as a survival instinct in the big bad world ………..

And a grown up adult?

Well, in a quest for maturity, the adult mind loses the childlike adorability! Innocence takes a backseat…. care and caution become the key mantras! But being the complex devious creatures we are, do we give up easily?

No Sirree! The quest continues and wants to embrace both maturity and innocence! No doubt, growth enriches us and moves us away from a state of blissful ignorance to a more empowered knowledge based existence. A more advanced state of maturity even helps us become better human beings !Still, don’t think it would be an exaggeration to say that once in a while, every adult craves to throw maturity and caution to the wind and go back to a state of childlike innocence and bliss! 

As someone rightly said “People don’t really grow up. They just learn to behave in public! “

Is human life so cheap?

You wake up on a bright sunny morning and pick up the newspaper ..and you immediately regret why you even bothered.The front page is full of  headlines like…

 Wife colludes with  lover to kill husband …

Daughter in law burnt to death over dowry…

20 killed in family feud over property …

Depressed man kills wife , 2 children before setting himself to fire….

….  or some such highly disheartening piece of news describing  a frivolous sounding murder or a suicide !Really ,what’s wrong with our world?Was human life not supposed to be precious?Were we not always told that one has to be really lucky to be born as a human being and not some ant or a rat or a bat!How then has it become so popular to take or give up life ?

Makes me wonder what forces one to a level of desperation or lack of control over mind and body that one indulges in a heinous crime as taking someone else’s or one’s own life.We owe our existence in this world to those who brought us in ..we form precious bonds and relationships over the years as we grow…our lives get intertwined with so many others around us ..and yet,a moment of blinding rage or desperation and we put all of that at stake?I am sure the murderer or the planning-to-be-dead suicide plotter are all normal people like us ,barring a few cases of psychological /mental illness .What is the form of suffering that then causes them to take such an extreme step as this?

We all suffer in our lives in one way  or the other and no doubt, sometimes, it indeed becomes a handful.Many times we feel zero control over life and do not know how to carry on further .Desperation sets in and the seed of ending it all starts sprouting .But to actually go ahead and do it ..would one call it a solution? May be it is for the dead or the vengeful who killed but who knows!On the other hand, is this not an act of total immorality,irresponsibility and stupidity?

And then there are more instances like …

A young college student commits suicide as she could not take rejection from her boyfriend..

A school student consumes poison and kills himself as he could not score good …

A son kills his father as he did not like the disciplinarian in him …..

and most recently read …

A man kills himself as he felt inflation is sucking his blood !

Really?Was that the end of life? No more hope left? No other way out?Another boyfriend, another year to score better , acceptance of parental fate ( after all, you do not get to choose them! ),improving economy,better income…...surely, there are things happening all the time to provide alternatives… difficult yes, it may be to see that light at the end of the tunnel but to think that it does not exist? To think that you do not have it in you to make it anyhow?Not for anyone’s sake in this world? Strange and beyond me is what I would say..And hope, I never ever get any bit closer in the other direction !

Though ,who is to blame here ? The one who fought against his or her suffering , could not cope up for whatever reasons, gave up , tried again , still could not cope up and then one fine day, decided to end it all? Or , the circumstances that led to it all ? Or the people around who are often found loading others with a burden of expectations that seem too big to be carried on living shoulders? Or the society at large which may not be doing enough to ensure people that they will be fine … that there are options other than killing or dying ..that they will survive if they just give themselves the gift of life and not take it away!

Difficult questions..am sure someone else knows the best ..but I sure think this is not the way.As a living ,thriving ,fighting and flourishing breed ,we are expensive and we do not leave the world just like that !

Am I gonna stop some things?Or am I gonna step up ?

Registered for a baking class. Cancelled last minute thinking it would be a waste of time - Stop cancelling.Time is meant for spending.

Controlled for a week(chocolate craving, that is).Gave up on the weekend – Stop controlling.It leads to losing control. 

That paint and brush box was supposed to receive a canvas for company.That painting was supposed to be done - Do it before the idea fades away or gets stolen!You know how it happens, especially with you.

Finished reading that awesome book.Picked up another before finishing that other not-so- awesome book - Stop flitting.Especially, when you know it makes you restless.

 Fumed & sulked for the better part of a day.Realised it does not help.Saved whatever was left of the day - Stop analyzing.Don’t expect.Continue on your zen habits.You are God's own baby!

That resume needs work. That resume needs lots of work –Work on it,while you are still here and have substance.

That one thing that is there in your mind,needs to be tackled head on.THAT thing really needs to be done if you want to do other things in life - Continue motivating yourself to do THAT thing before its too late!Or else, It will suck life out of you.

Proud of your sensitivity and thoughtfulness?Think you are doing yourself and others' any good? - Well, listen carefully now.Its no use.Pack it all in an airtight container and flung it out of the window .Where are the takers ,anyways?!

The list is getting longer.The list is getting unmanageable – Continue listing.Some day, it will all be ticked off.

Another weekend almost gone .Another chance almost lost.Another idea fizzled out.Another effort nipped in the bud - Well, stop whining.It does not help.Give yourself a break.

Weekends come and weekends go.Chance is never lost.Every moment is a chance........... Now if only the weekend could extend to weekdays!!
Either ways, stop  thinking. It ROTS your brain.You don't have a spare one, do you?

Phone-y matters!

I have got a phone and it works. It has email, it has facebook.Go deeper, and it even has blogger .And a reasonably good music function with radio. And not to forget the games too (so what if it is only “Snakes “, I love and play that only! ).So basically, it has everything that a low expectation customer like me needs in a phone .Its added advantage is that it has a KEYPAD and not some high-sensitivity-low-responsibility touch interface. So, it types what I want it to type and it does not take hours to do that!Oh and it does what it is basically supposed to do – make and take voice calls !

Now that sounds like a cool phone to me………if I leave aside the minor, or major, depending on how one views it, gripe around its cosmetic beauty. The thing is that the phone in consideration happens to have completed 4 years in my possession and it is quite natural now that it has a broken body which is held together with a …errrr.....well…with a matching elastic band. A couple of keys have started showing signs of falling off too but I must say they were all sturdy till a few months back and really, it functions as expected. Even if the keys fall off, I know what lies where and I CAN make it work.

BUT, people complain …though I refute….that my phone has called them up in the middle of the night and then called them up again at intervals of 5-10 minutes and then again and again, on its own! Now, who would believe that? Which hi-tech phone is capable of doing that? If mine can, there must be something great about it, right? Apart from the fact that if I leave it unlocked at times, the keypad acts on its own and does a bit of jugglery as described above!

Add to this, the ever present peer pressure. I have sensible and intelligent and rich and tech savvy people around me who are definitely not as much in love with simple but usable devices like my phone. Friends have come up with statements like “ Gift one to yourself on your birthday “ or “ Let us all collect money and get you a Reliance Common Man Phone “ or “ These days, they have good EMI options on phones as well “ . Some have even gone to the extent of disowning me in public places if I am flashing my phone in hand .I have been given subtle hints like “ Keep it in your bag or else, you might drop it somewhere and then you would have to depart with it (Its  a sturdy Nokia , I tell them ! )“  as well as more direct threats like “ If you are going to be seen with this phone, we are not going to be seen with you”. I must have given innumerable excuses to people in response to their earnest requests to me to change my “crappy “phone.

A year or two have gone by with me living amongst these threats and in general, feeling torn between my friends and my phone or if I do more soul searching, between my lowly worldly self and my highly esteemed inner self .After all, in this era of I-phones and Samsung Galaxies, I am not supposed to be content with a Nokia godforsaken long-forgotten version! And then there are these technology crazy companies that are out to outdo each others in establishing their smartphone supremacy and robbing poor people of their money in the name of providing them advanced technology. Advanced, it may be .But, crazy, it definitely is!

So anyways, considering that I am a mere mortal, the last two years have seen me vacillate though not give in. Some of the advantages of a new “swanky “phone have been dawning on me for quite some time now. I have also, on many occasions where it misbehaved, felt like throwing my phone in the next available drain pipe and get a new one that very moment .The balance has definitely tipped more in favour of paying my phone a timely tribute while it is still alive in my hands and letting it make a dignified exit before it gives up on me in a sudden and unpleasant manner!

But, I guess what they say about there being a right “destined” time for every thing, is so true! I must have done 100 hours of research on the internet to figure out a right phone for me and for quite some time now, even sure of which ones are worthy of replacing my prized possession. But it is not helping. I have many times gone out with the sole intention of buying a new phone and then once I am out there, promptly forgotten about it or got disinterested after looking at a couple of them. I am still with the same battered and shattered N-73 that I bought in Shanghai in the year of 2008 and that I loved a lot for some reasons that I explained above and some that I did not or rather can not but they very much exist. I cannot put into words what they are...all I know is that ridiculous as it may sound, something is definitely there that is preventing me from departing with my phone. A jinxed phone situation? A time warp? A foolish emotion? A stubbornness against people? Or plain old laziness ? I don’t know. But what I do know is that its time for change. And what I am scared of is that change is not something that is my forte!!!

Tweak it or quit it?

Being born in a family of foodies, some of my most wonderful childhood memories are associated with food. My mother has always been very fond of cooking and has never stuck to just tried and tested recipes. Due to her love for experimentation in the kitchen, there was never a dearth of exotic food on our dining table and despite all her busyness and lack of time in the days when we were kids and the whole family was together, we were always sure of being treated with delicious food for every meal she cooked.

It is quite natural then that all of us siblings have inherited this love of food and cooking from her - actually love of food from dad and of cooking from mom! However, it seems that unlike my brother and sister who have also inherited my mom’s patience in the kitchen, I have totally missed it! I am as disgusted at the thought of labouring endlessly over a dish as I am excited by the thought of cooking .I love to cook but I cannot imagine myself sticking to elaborate recipes to the T.Quick fix cooking is more my style!

The moment I enter the kitchen, my motive is to churn out something edible or rather deliciously edible and presentable but not necessarily done painstakingly. I am so averse to the idea of doing it “the proper way “every time I do it that I often give an impression to people that I probably do not know how to do it .I have great admiration for those who love their cooking and treat it with a reverence I normally reserve for God knows what! However, expect me to do the same and I think people would get to see me as someone who hates cooking and never enters the kitchen.

That said, I do love my occasional elaborate preparations but that is a very rare thing. And the same applies to the preliminaries as well - so much so that I once had a friend remark “You love to cook but you need to be more respectful of food .You just cannot chop your veggies mercilessly LIKE THAT! “

However, I am in a dilemma now. The thing is that I have now developed a penchant for baking and after trying numerous recipes, some of which were outright fiascos, I have realised that experimentation or rather careless experimentation does not go down well with baking as a process. If there is a recipe that asks for .567 tbsp of baking soda, it has to be just that much of baking soda or else, the cake might turn into a brownie or a brownie might turn into a stone hard cookie!

Thus, I tried sticking to measurements a couple of times and the results were wonderful. This has obviously forced me to rethink if I want to continue to nurture my baking or just be content with wherever it is right now. I tried baking bread once and the whole process of yeasting and waiting for the dough to rise was a test on my patience. I am not totally disheartened and tired yet but its not that joyous and exciting as I thought it might be - though I must say the whiff of aroma of freshly baked bread more than made up for any lost excitement.

So I think I will continue with it for some more time.I am sure once I reach a higher level of expertise, I will figure out ways of circumventing the carefully laid out recipes. There must be a scope there, I get the feeling. Till then, a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do!

Random thoughts of a confused mind!

The last few days have seen me write several posts in draft and then discard them either before finishing or before publishing. There have been lot of inane conversations going on in and between my head and heart and these posts were mostly reflective of all that I had been experiencing or feeling. I have been going through confusing emotions and not able to figure things out in general...Never reaching any conclusion, never arriving at any explanation and never quite close to figuring out why I am where I am and why I am not where I think I could have been.

It’s been a whole month or so of self analysis and feeling not in tune with my external world. This is one of the worst I have subjected myself to in recent times. However, it was not intentional. I am at a stage in life where I need to take lot of proactive action to achieve some things which I think I should have but my mind is in a limbo. And this is obviously not helping my body make that extra effort, that extra step to go out and set myself an agenda and start working on it. It is like I am no longer sure whether I want those things or not!

Freedom is an expensive gift. At the same time, it is quite addictive too. I have lost freedom once and have felt myself craving for it terribly. And the feeling of being free again was indescribable. The thought of losing it in any form is scary, to say the least. I am not someone scared of people or relationships but if something comes at a cost that seems too big to pay, the desire to get that thing does get affected. But that is where the confusion arises. The desire only gets affected not quelled!

So anyways, I wrote and wrote and erased and erased. Like, I thought and thought and rubbished the thoughts and started again every morning after a full night of introspection. Sleepless nights, dull days, boring office, pathetic traffic, aching body, bored people, selfish people, rude people...Really, what is there to appreciate? What is there to look forward to?

May be the interesting book that I am reading right now… Or the freedom that I am enjoying... Or the occasional display of concern and selfless behaviour by a few people around me. Or the fact that I have the luxury to think and sleep and am not always struggling to steal 5 minutes for myself from a busy schedule that everyone around me seems to be on? Or the cakes that I am baking these days? I think yes, this is what needs to be appreciated…what I have right now, which is what I had lost  couple of years back and regained now…! Future is not for me to see ..I may get some things or I may not get some things.Meanwhile, I got to love what I have!

What is God’s approach? Or rather, what should be one’s approach to God?

Assumption:  I believe in a higher power and I think “God “is that higher power and for now, I would like to address God as “He” (purely for convenience purpose).

Assumption done, I can now safely ramble upon what I think of God’s approach towards dispensing with numerous applications that he might be getting every day or whenever he takes stock of them. We all remember God when we are in trouble or are needy or greedy for something – not to forget that some of us remember God when we have been transported out of a trouble or satisfied of greed or on an everyday or hourly basis as well! Considering the volume of incoming traffic, I am sure God must have devised umpteen strategies to attack the huge workload and deliver results though he must be grateful he does not need to go through mid year and end year appraisals – though who knows what happens in Heavens above !

As the wise ones say, he has strange ways and more often that not, he acts in a manner incomprehensible to mere mortals like us. So what that means is that sometimes his good work is tangible, many times it is totally invisible and we are left high and dry thinking that he is probably not in the mood to work or is upset with us and has decided not to help us this time. I was discussing this with a friend at work and it really made me wonder what approach is best for attracting the right sorts of attention from dear God.

From childhood we are taught that prayers are an infallible means of attracting divine attention. But then it’s not easy to pray, is it? I mean the sort of prayers that work. Otherwise, I do not understand why some of my prayers are not reaching him when I pray almost every now and then!

Paulo Coelho said in Alchemist (which sold millions of copies worldwide), “When you want something, the entire Universe conspires in helping you achieve it “. This means if you really want something with all your might, it will come to you.

Is God not part of this universe? Why then he does not conspire actively? Actually may be he is not. Hence, he works alone on his own and I need to figure out how to want and pray with all my might to make him bestow his attention on me.

In addition to spirituality, the religious pundits advocate various other means of reaching God. To my astonishment, I have been doing this too though I do not see myself as someone religiously following any one religion more than the other. But I do believe in what the elders and more wise souls say and also what my experience has taught me. So, I visit temples too when I feel like doing so and I must say, a visit to a temple or any other place of worship does give me peace of mind but then it still eludes the other purpose of putting me in touch with the God being represented by the idol in the temple .So, I think here again I am doing something wrong and need to figure out the right approach.

Leaving aside spirituality and religion, the more enlightened world of “karma believers “propagates “Nishkaam Karma” or “selfless action” as a way to reach closer to God. That is, do what you need to do but forget about reaping the benefits. How interesting but inhuman is that, I ask? Are we all not guided by results to work more and achieve more? Have we all not been taught that unless you do some work, you cannot expect the results !So when the concept of result vs. action is so heavily imbibed in our personalities right from childhood, how then suddenly it becomes less relevant while pursuing God ? I fail to understand but what I know is that for a long time now I have been doing what needs to be done, what seems right to me at that point in time and what my conscience allows me to do. Beyond that, I really have no way of judging whether my karma is right or not.                                                                                                                                                     

I am a mere human being… what else can I do? Got to find that out and in this lifetime hopefully!!

It’s time again ...for blowing my own trumpet and getting busted!

It’s the month of June and we are already six months into the current year. While this is not an earth shattering revelation, it does have serious repercussions on my precariously balanced mental peace. It is time for half yearly appraisals at work... What’s the big deal, the uninitiated may ask? But the experienced ones, I believe, would understand and empathise.

To add to the whole rigmarole of feedback and ratings, THE MANAGER has come up with a fancy self appraisal document titled “Inter Ranking Template “.The document not only requires one to size themselves up against their objectives but also to quantify their assessment of self in terms of “Ratings” – all of which is nothing new -except for the threatening undertones in the document under the name of “Forced Rating” ..makes it sound like a trial in a court of law where one is expected to provide evidence to support their testimony and in case of failure, be ready to accept a judgement that would be taken by a competent jury and be forced down one’s gullet.

As frustrating as the whole process of classifying six months’ worth of work into “ met expectations “ or “ exceeded expectations “ category is , there is something to be said about the opportunity it offers in terms of unabashed self aggrandizement. This is one of the bi-annual occasions where one gets to go on a glorious ego trip counting one’s achievements and hard work and the boss actually listens …or well, the boss actually pretends to listen! Ironically though, this is an exercise in futility as the boss has already made up his mind either on his own or succumbing to the “higher influences” or statistical pressures of curve-fitting et al.Despite this, elaborate forms are required to be filled in, discussions are held, good work is recognised ( by asking you to do better next time as you have already achieved “ good” ) and “not so good”  work is held against you for justifying boss’s “mental make-up”  . And in the event of your failure to produce acceptable evidence for your good work, “not so good” work prevails and dominates the course of discussion!

Having to go through this necessary evil is one of the bane of one’s corporate existence. Even after spending 8.5 continuous years wading through these waters, I still get flustered and keep postponing above mentioned event till the day of reckoning arrives! And it seems, for this year, the day has arrived and I must tackle the monster head on now. So, off I go to blow my own trumpet and oblige the universe with my filled in “Inter Ranking Template “!!

The Joy of Gifting!

Today over lunch, I happened to remark very casually that the way new born babies are raining around me these days, I am already tired …and proceeded to add, of giving gifts! To this, a colleague cum friend responded by asking me why I give gifts. And I don’t think I thought for a second before replying “Because I like to “.

And now when I am thinking about it, I really do like to give gifts. Any occasion, be it a birthday or an anniversary, a colleague’s farewell or a house warming party or sometimes, without any traditionally pertinent occasion such as my flatmate’s recent promotion. I really look forward to the opportunity or excuse for being able to give a gift to those who matter to me. The thought of a friend’s or family member’s birthday approaching near manages to incite an excitement in me even if the concerned person is sitting thousands of miles away .My mind starts planning and plotting for a surprise party or a surprise gift , well in advance. I am not always able to materialise my plans but I try to the best of my ability and keep trying till I get a clear signal that it would probably not work out this time.

I like to spend time thinking about the people in my life , what they would like , how I can make them happy and feel special on special occasions or otherwise .Now there may be hundred different ways of doing this but I think a gift chosen carefully is an expression of all these emotions wrapped up together. And this is one small but powerful way which goes a long way in telling the recipient that they are special and deserve the time and attention they have been given! And I know this because I get truly thrilled if I receive a gift J

The flip side to all this is that sometimes it bothers me if I am not able to choose that right gift that would express my emotions correctly. I have realised that this is just an expectation that I have from myself and does not really bother others. So, I am trying to ignore this and recognise that even though people love and appreciate gifts given to them , “gifting” is the giver’s joy and there are no obligations attached to it…..at least not in the current world where people are so busy in their lives they rarely bother to evaluate and judge others’ actions. This is a comforting realisation though I still like to rake my head and think through what I gift others and if for some reason, I am not satisfied, my joy does get marred a bit! But it’s like a tiny speck which I think I can ignore.

No Judgment or No opinion?

Ever since I gained some sense in life , I have been wondering if there is anything in the world that I have seen so far , which I like or dislike strongly.That is , strong enough to say “ I can die for  “ or “ I hate” ! And I will leave ethereal things like chocolates out of this.

Quite often when I am sitting with a group of friends and we are discussing the finer nuances of life, people do come up with one or the other thing that they have very fixed opinions on and are able to slot them in their Like/Dislike zone. However, I find myself unable to do so and more so in the last few years. I am always rationalising why I should like or dislike a thing or person or attitude or whatever to such an extent that I become rigid about it and am not able to recognise or acknowledge if and when my opinions change about that. Many times I have had friends or family come up to me and say that they find it difficult to believe that even after spending more than three decades on this earth,

I do not have clarity of this sort in my mind. I beg to differ from them ..mostly.

The more I think about it, the more I realise that I do have an opinion about all things material to me but may be I do not have any judgement on them. I like to believe that with growing experience in life, I am becoming less of a judgemental person and I am quite liking this aspect of my personality .I am not trying to say that people who have strong opinions or judgements on some things in life are lesser evolved or not “my types” but I do believe that this sort of attitude does not cut much ice with me. I really am not keen to judge the wholeness of anything or anyone on the basis of few experiences that I may have had.

However, there have been things happening at work and otherwise in the last few days that have prompted me to think hard. I have realised that there are certain attitudinal traits in people which really manage to get my goat. I may find something else which is good about them and hence, not slot them as being of a certain type or category BUT specific things do trouble me greatly!

And for my own benefit, just so that I am reminded every time I am guilty of something like this, I would like to list them down here and visit this page whenever I am in a doubt!

1. I do not understand why people are not straightforward in expressing their feelings even in close relationships. If they like or dislike someone or something or feel certain things about others are coming in the way of their relationship with them, why can they not say it out openly and directly to them. They talk about it to common friends, vent it out in the form of sarcasm, try to give hints, create and maintain distance but would just not take that one step of confronting the person concerned directly!
Troubles me really..I am not myself 100% there but am trying really hard to.

2. Irresponsibility to me seems like insensitivity. I really cannot bring myself to respect anyone who shirks responsibility when it is so staring in their face. I mean how can people adopt an attitude where they pretend nothing exists when actually the whole world around is on fire and the chief pretext they use is that the risk of damage due to not owning up is not theirs!

For some reason, I am meeting a lot of people with this attitude at my current job and this is one of the reasons, I feel I am so done up with this job! I need a change, seriously.  

3. People crib. I do too and am perfectly fine with cribbing. Once in a while, the vagaries of life do get on to my nerves and I make full use of a sympathetic shoulder, if I get one! Really do not see anything wrong in this..So obviously, do not understand when people say “Don’t crib. Just do something about it.” .I want to tell such people that if I could, I would have – without them sermonizing me about it.

4. Life has its own unique ways of teaching us. Sometimes, its experience and sometimes the lack of it. In either situation, we get an opportunity to pick up a lesson or two in lifeskills.So evidently, it troubles me if some people around me do not seem to have learnt anything over the years.

 I am not trying to say that I am a highly enlightened person but with every experience in life, I am trying to grow as a person, learning to leave the trivialities of existence behind and try to see the bigger picture in life.Ofcourse, this is a never ending process and I am just a novice here but I do see a change in myself and I appreciate that.

This is not all.. there is lot more but I think I will just be loosely opinionated about them and not try to form a judgement ..well not yet at least!

The “lovely & mighty”carrom board!

I grew up in a house full of siblings and sundry cousins, some staying with us and some coming over for visits. Needless to say, much chaos happened during summer vacations and it was a mammoth task for all sets of parents to ensure that the kids are occupied “constructively “ and generally, kept out of the way of adults. This would often result in them buying us books, board games, taking us out on trips, enrolling us for classes, organising play dates & picnics and a whole lot of other activities including forced “afternoon naps”.

As time passed by, the mode of entertainment and the ways one would keep oneself busy during summer vacations, changed.All of us discovered what we liked to do and what we would not do even if bribed to do! As a result, adults no longer had to intervene and we were conveniently on our own. So, while my sister found her calling in the “artsy” things, my brother discovered that he would rather be out of the house than be caught interacting with the other kids in the house – after all, it would be such a shame for him to be caught doing that if his friends dropped over suddenly!

Some of my cousins, who were my age, would visit us during summer vacations and we would do the usual things that kids do – play hide &seek, read comics, go out for walks in the park, fight with each other, watch TV, play board games like monopoly, ludo and the likes.However, much to my dismay, I discovered that I had a similar amount of liking and disliking for everything that I did. So, while I enjoyed reading , I would get bored if I had to do that for more than 20 minutes.Similarly,while I loved to play board games, I would obviously lose interest if I was not able to win. TV held little attraction for me ( even as a kid) and being one of the youngest of the lot, I could not even indulge in and spend time fighting with elder siblings as they would invariably have an upper hand .

I was, therefore, a source of concern for my parents who had to keep thinking of new ways to keep me entertained and occupied. However, one fine day, God decided to settle their dilemma forever. I discovered an old forgotten carrom board lying somewhere and after lot of cajoling and convincing and crying and tantrum-throwing, I managed to pursue my brother to teach me how to play carrom.That was it! Not only I, the entire brat pack got hooked on to it from that day onwards. We would play carrom for whole days and nights and not bother parents with any demands except for never-ending supplies of Boric acid.

Soon, the adult population also got engulfed by carrom fever and I think, the simple yet interesting game of carrom became a much loved daily ritual in my home .Much family bonding happened over endless game sessions and brought lots of fun, togetherness, laughter and joy to all. This went on for a couple of years before other things took over and left one with practically no time to indulge in such simple pleasures in life.

Cut to present, some of my team members in office organised a carrom competition in the team. And after playing a couple of matches, I can see that the power of this simple board game has not diminished any bit over the years. It still brings the same joy, laughter and fun to all as it did in childhood. Team members ,who would otherwise, not bother to look at each other, were suddenly found campaigning for and colluding with each other, if paired together as partners .The whole team experienced a new sense of camaraderie and bonding over the matches spread over a week or so – something unparalleled in its achievement when compared to the fancy “team building “exercises that one hears of these days.!Really, who needs those complex outdoor icebreakers and trainings and offsite meetings to build a strong bonding between the team members when the mighty carrom board is there!

Recession in my mind!

The whole wide world has been talking of a recession for as long as I remember. Inevitable as it is, my mind has also caught the bug and of late, I am getting a feeling that it is receding back to a stage from where there seems to be no coming forward.

When I say recession in my mind, I do not want to say that it is growing backwards in any sense and I am turning into a conservative, old fashioned personality. I am turning quite contrary to that, even if I say so myself.

 

What is actually happening is that the way life has been unfolding itself and the way I have been killing time over the last few years, I feel my mind is so resigned to it that it has lost any capability to think of and plan for a future. Any sane minded and progressive thinking person usually has a couple of dreams that he or she wants to be fulfilled in the near or far future, a couple of aspirations to be achieved and a lot of goals for the life ahead. For example, some think of getting married and settled, some crave for kids and yet some, long for a flourishing career. My mind, on the other hand, refuses to collaborate with my heart and do any forward thinking. As a result, I have no dreams at present, no plans imminent or otherwise and not even any long term goals. There is nothing that I can say with absolute certainty, which I crave for or want to work hard to achieve. There are not even short term goals like a career progression or an investment option that my mind can think of.

I term this recessionary because it was not always like this. There was a time when I would think ahead of time and my mind would calculate ways of growing my life further. I, like all others around me, would have a laundry list ready before each and every stage in life. So, when I was a young kid, I dreamt of excelling in academics. When I grew up, I wanted to get myself a professional qualification and join the corporate world. All was fine till then and I achieved what I set out for, though not quite the same way as I imagined myself to but no major gripe there! However, then I dreamt of the next so-called logical progression to a happy married life and that was probably the last time till now , that I asked for something with all my might and determination.My dreams gone totally awry from  there, I have started living life on a spur of the moment basis. I plan for nothing and usually let things take their own course and any disappointment usually lasts for a day or two and not beyond because probably, I am not really thinking of getting anything so there is less unhappiness when I find things not happening my way. That is not to say that I have achieved a Zen state in life where I no longer ask for or crib about anything but yes, when I don’t get what I asked for or cried after, I do not sulk and mope around beyond a day or two as my mind has conditioned itself to think that I am not supposed to dream of or plan for things as all plans fall flat before a bigger power’s plan for our lives. So, I should better be content with and learn to appreciate what I get on its own in the course of life. Spontaneity seems to be my new mantra in life!

They say economic recession is a cyclical process and every such period is followed by another period of growth and progress where optimism and desire to grow sweeps the economy. I hope such is the case for the recession in my mind and thought process as well. Again, I am not asking for it as I believe it may or may not come true but I am just hoping that someday some luck /serendipity would fall on me and transform my thought process and make my mind a normal forward thinking one that would listen to my heart’s desires and guide me to an action plan .n life!