Random thoughts of a confused mind!

The last few days have seen me write several posts in draft and then discard them either before finishing or before publishing. There have been lot of inane conversations going on in and between my head and heart and these posts were mostly reflective of all that I had been experiencing or feeling. I have been going through confusing emotions and not able to figure things out in general...Never reaching any conclusion, never arriving at any explanation and never quite close to figuring out why I am where I am and why I am not where I think I could have been.

It’s been a whole month or so of self analysis and feeling not in tune with my external world. This is one of the worst I have subjected myself to in recent times. However, it was not intentional. I am at a stage in life where I need to take lot of proactive action to achieve some things which I think I should have but my mind is in a limbo. And this is obviously not helping my body make that extra effort, that extra step to go out and set myself an agenda and start working on it. It is like I am no longer sure whether I want those things or not!

Freedom is an expensive gift. At the same time, it is quite addictive too. I have lost freedom once and have felt myself craving for it terribly. And the feeling of being free again was indescribable. The thought of losing it in any form is scary, to say the least. I am not someone scared of people or relationships but if something comes at a cost that seems too big to pay, the desire to get that thing does get affected. But that is where the confusion arises. The desire only gets affected not quelled!

So anyways, I wrote and wrote and erased and erased. Like, I thought and thought and rubbished the thoughts and started again every morning after a full night of introspection. Sleepless nights, dull days, boring office, pathetic traffic, aching body, bored people, selfish people, rude people...Really, what is there to appreciate? What is there to look forward to?

May be the interesting book that I am reading right now… Or the freedom that I am enjoying... Or the occasional display of concern and selfless behaviour by a few people around me. Or the fact that I have the luxury to think and sleep and am not always struggling to steal 5 minutes for myself from a busy schedule that everyone around me seems to be on? Or the cakes that I am baking these days? I think yes, this is what needs to be appreciated…what I have right now, which is what I had lost  couple of years back and regained now…! Future is not for me to see ..I may get some things or I may not get some things.Meanwhile, I got to love what I have!